so... yesterday while talking randomly with Nani, she said something that made me go "am i really that bad?" and on second thought I really think I am that bad.

the thing is, recently it is pretty obvious that I'm always judging people, hating on them...., even towards those I don't know personally. but in my own defence, I am not judging them specifically. Its just that sometimes, i tend to comment or point out something about them which i personally dont like. for example, this person is wearing something unacceptable for me so i kind of share it to my close friends and sort of ranting about it. mengumpat la senang?

but why would i mengumpat about someone yg dont even know me and i dont even know her personally irl kan??? so something is obviously wrong with ME, MYSELF. somehow im acting like a keyboard warrior but with more cowardice, not having the guts to even comment something about that person to the person directly. tapi bagusla sebab i am NOT a keyboard warrior like that. i hate being nosy. jaga tepi kain orang sampai nak comments about that person on her social medias and everything. see? but i do it silently, talking only to my friends sometimes.

anyway.... it just don't feel right! i should stop being this bitch. so i've decided to stop being on social media such as instagram, twitter and even snapchat. sebab those things yang triggered this bitch to go hating on people when they never harmed me in any way pun. so the best way is to stop socializing and get a life where i can be a better person.

i just felt that, that wasnt who i am. that hateful and spiteful person? not me! i am not always a hateful person. i dont hold grudges towards others. thus i should leave the things that made me into that ill-mannered person to be a better one. till then, i'll just be living with whatsapp imessage and facetime. and lawatan2 tidak rasmi ke fesbuk.

to a better diana, insya Allah. I kind of forgot that I actually have a blog so yeah? Hello, again.

So as I was lying down staring at my ceiling after Subuh prayer just now, listening to Limp Bizkit's Behind Blue Eyes, it reminded me of my childhood and most of my teenage days.

My childhood, as much as I can remember, was very plain and ordinary. Unlike my peers, I actually think I didn't played much, except in school. Tapi macam tak banyak jugak? During recess, that its. I think its mainly because during my childhood, my dad's work made me transferred schools so often, sometimes a new school every new year. Baru nak buat kawan baik, tetiba dah kena pindah????

And, I was a lazy kid. I didn't like going to school, up till I think when I got into Standard 5? There's this incident my whole family and probably the whole street of my old house knew, and remember. I was in Standard 2, living just with a single mother and rebellious brothers plus a baby sister while my dad's in KL, doing his masters. Kitorang whole family kat Alor Star. So this one day I memang malaaaaas gila nak gi sekolah I actually cried, threw tantrums and rolled on the road in front of my house. Meraung-raung taknak gi sekolah. Masa tu pulak memang ada jadual dengan neighbors where my neighbor, Suze's mom tumpangkan pegi sekolah, my mom; picking us up after school.

So.... Memang meraung, berguling atas jalan tar semata-mata taknak gi sekolah, sampaikan Suze's dad, yang memang whole Alor Staq tau pendiam tu datang pujuk slowtalk suruh pergi tp harammmm aku tak pegi. Last2 semua orang gi sekolah, aku dok atas buaian rumah jiran sampai tengahari sebab Mama kunci pintu. KUNCI PINTU! MY MOM, PEOPLE!

Thats how lazy I was, and there, a proof that I hated going to schools as a child.

So, back to the main thang! Dari kecik I was always mending for myself, because Mama mana nak menang tangan nak layan my 4 older BROTHERS yang buas, tengah nak mencapai akil baligh, yknow, teen boys' problems and such, mana nak jaga anak kecik lagi. So as a quite (?) middle child there, I was left to take care of myself.

This also developed my reading habit because besides playing with my Barbie dolls and their extravagant houses and pools and silky hair (mind you! I was a girly gaaal back then), I got nothing much to do. Dahlah malas gi sekolah kan? Hahaha so I started reading. Masa tu pulak memang dah banyak dibelikan buku cerita. My favorites were Sang Kancil dan macam2 member natang dia tu. Memang dibelinya full series. Pastu ada buku cerita rakyat this, that. In ENGLISH. Nak taknak memang berkawan la dengan kamus.

After my dad graduated, a couple of years kater kitorang pindah Kajang. Wah! Kajang..........................


Lagi lah. Though I have friends, (and good ones till this day) I started off very badly. Sebab so weird to fit in, when most of the kids there knew each other since like standard 1. Aku dah darjah 5 ok baru nak berkawan.

Then came this UPSR year, I started getting pressures from my parents, to excel in studies. Sebab? Anak perempuan????? Tu je. So I worked really hard in school, juggling between sports and studies sebab masa tu gila balapan. Dah gemok pon power okeh plis!

So as I was saying earlier, I DID NOT PLAYED AS MUCH AS OTHERS at my age. I studied. I studied. I studied. I think I was actually pretty depressed as a child. Mak bapak asyik push, comparing me with their friends' children, asyik marah bila result tak ok. (My parents are decent people, ok. Its just they're strict) Aku pulak memang bodoh Maths so I kept getting bad marks and scolded. Masalah lain pulak bila rasa terbuang, because I used to be the family's only daughter and last child. But then my baby sister came into the picture, leaving me feeling soooo abandoned. My dad reaaaaally favors her, no doubt. NO DOUBT, till today. So, memang depresi....

I remembered when I used to do my homework, (MATHS, u bij!!) with tears rolling down on my cheeks. Both because I depressed gila dengan family tak sayang aku & the fact that I have to get straight As to prove myself worthy.

Besides Limp Bizkit, I was totally obsessed with Simple Plan as a child/teenage. Ha, especially the Welcome to My Life song. OF COURSE, duh! Totally fits my life at that moment (or so I thought as a clueless child)

My life, as I just recently turned 22 years old, now, is still depressing but I am truthfully, happy with it. Perhaps I can be happier, but as for now, ALHAMDULILLAH. Masih bersyukur.

(Now that this post is getting longer, its also getting pointless. My problem, everytime I tried writing.....)

And these; to prove that I have decent friends as I was growing up. I also started being a loooot happier when I was in high school. Weird, huh? And I was at the peak of my happiness masa zaman sekolah, seriously. Lagi-lagi masa form 6. sape tak masuk form 6 dia boring dont fight me on this pal! :p


















had a glass of warm milk, already, but still not feeling sleepy.

oh I went to my one and only class today; hooray! completed the drama task for english class and yes, quite proud of myself.

its insanely hot and humid here in bachok for the past few days. i've been sweating like crazy when i'm sleeping or taking naps. i think i'm already going down with fever due to dehydration. didn't have time to drink lots of water today.

donated blood today; its my fourth donation. and for the first time ever i felt dizzy, almost vomited but everything were under control thanks to the attentive and caring nurse earlier. i've always donated 450 pints of blood but due to my dizziness, the nurse decided to stop at 400. i was feeling a bit frustrated but hey, 400 pints is still a massive help to those in need.

i did some of my assignments for sastera...though its just writing the questions and some brief answers. still a yay for diana, man!

ok i'm planning to go to classes tmr.. lets see~~

cikta just left home for good earlier tonight.

the reality hasn't fully kicked in yet, but i do feel kind of numb now.

i'm watching the lizard on the ceiling, and i think of how much she hated lizards. and insects in general.

watched her no-sheet bed just now before misrah spread a new one, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach somehow.

it just feels like, you know, that she's gone only for few days; like the holidays we used to go back home together.

but still, i know that deep down; she's not coming back. well at least not close enough in the future. soon, yes. but still...

bodohlah kau cikta! for making me feel sad. for making me feel like its somehow empty and chilly in my heart. bodoh! i really feel like i've lost half of me. you know how when you've planned something, that's when you don't feel up to it? its always like that with my blogging pattern.

see, the thing is that i haven't been planning to write in here so frequent; yet here i am. almost daily blogging. well, mostly just because i've been sleeping really late again and that's the only time uni's wifi is being a good strong connection. without any distractions or housemates creeping behind my back to see what i'm writing or doing in front of my laptop.

i miss home, today. i feel like going home. just going back home. hey, i never let myself dwell in homesickness ever since i've gone through orientation week here in uni. i call it an accomplishment. so yes, just miss home and my own little room all by myself.

nothing to talk about anyway. so imma head to sleep now. signing out, 5.17 a.m on the clock


listening to take me home full album once again tonight. and it makes me feel so sad thinking how the high note/pitch parts of zayn wouldn't be there again. it will never be the same without him. sighs

so yeah skipped most of my classes this whole week. i feel like crap. i've been doing nothing but sleep. god, why?

cikta's quitting uni. i kept thinking i wanna quit as well. but my parents and my whole family would never let me do so. i feel like a freaking prick for even thinking about it. bcs my parents prayed for my success and admission to uni and i'm here like fucking with everything, being ungrateful shit.

same ol, same ol. i WANT to study, but i just CANNOT.

i have three pending assignments. catching up, catching up. 2 weeks till the submission dates... my poor soul.

//

i've been feeling so lonely lately. i need someone. how about a boyfriend for diana?